Being Lazy – The Guilt Trip.
I did something sinful today, no not that! I stopped what I was doing, turned on the TV, and watched a programme in the broad light of day that I’d saved for later. Meaning in the evening when I allow myself to be lazy.
At that point, I should have been job hunting, I should have been writing, I should have been cleaning the house the list goes on and on. But instead I sat and watched the programme, but only half way through, then the guilt set in so I turned it off and just stood there trying to prioritise what to do next. I probably could have watched the rest of it for the amount of time I spent procrastinating.
In the end the job hunting won because my head would very likely explode if I couldn’t ditch my current one. So then the torture of the dreaded application form began. ‘Current job held and responsibilities, details, dates, qualifications, why I feel I’m suitable for this position,’ argh! So I convinced myself, as I walked away from the computer, that it was ok, I’d already applied for two jobs yesterday, and one and a half today. Yes well I got sick of the second bloody application form. There was a ‘save and continue’ option on there and I reached for it like a drowning person. Yes fine I’ll ‘continue’ tomorrow and just quickly pop downstairs to watch the rest of my programme.
Here it comes, guilt gets the better of me and instead I think oh no hang on I cant. The bathroom needs cleaning, the kitchen is desperate and I’ve still not dusted the living room yet. Then I need to write at least 2,000 words or my book will never be finished and I’ll be a failure. The list goes on.
So by the time I give myself permission to watch the rest of the programme I’m so tired I cant concentrate and go to sleep on the sofa. That is until the cat wakes me up, deciding I’d make an excellent cushion, so proceeds to sit on my chest. Then after gently removing him, so that I don’t wake him of course, I drag myself off to bed only to find that I cant sleep, because that idea for the next chapter of my novel has sprung into my head. So I pick up a pen and franticly scribble some notes down to make sure that I haven’t forgotten it by the morning…..
Does that sound familiar?
I’m sure I’d be a more sane and contended person if I could leave that guilt behind and watch my poor neglected programme. But if things need doing I can’t justify giving myself a break until they are. I know it’s ridiculous but that’s how my brain works. I love the idea of putting myself first sometimes, being kind to myself, self love and all that.
I’ve tried! On my mum’s Birthday I paid for both of us to have some spa treatments. It was lovely, not being at home meant the guilt wasn’t there, and we both had a thoroughly nice time together. I spent some quality time with my mum and I vowed to myself that I’d do it more often, we both came away feeling relaxed and pampered.
My mum is a wonderful person she’s always been there for me, for everybody. She looks after my nan who has dementia, takes my niece to school then picks her up, and looks out for me also, as I haven’t had a particularly healthy time of it for the last few years. So on the way home we decided that we’d continue to have a pamper session once a month, spoil ourselves a bit.
Well you probably know what comes next. It hasn’t happened. My mum has so many responsibilities, and I cant justify doing it, as that guilt has reared its ugly head again. Which is why I’ve written this post. It’s made realise how I’m behaving, what’s going on inside my brain. Reading it back has caused me to realise the most important thing I should feel guilty about is that I haven’t looked after my mum enough. Taken time out for her so that we can have the pamper days we promised ourselves. I love my mum dearly and not spending enough time with her is something that’s much more important than all these little things I feel guilty about. The housework will get done….eventually. I can make time for job hunting, it doesn’t have to be every day, and hey if I don’t write my book in the time I allocated myself, its not the end of the world if it takes a bit longer.
So I’ve made a pact with myself, I’m going to finish watching that programme and even eat chocolate too! I know that my guilt list isn’t going to go away over night I still have to work on that. But there’s one thing I can do right now. Pick up the phone, and book another Spa day for my lovely mum and me. My treat, and our special time together, which is more important than any of that other guilt.